I’m not exactly bragging about this, but one of my favorite things to watch is old episodes of Law and Order. If you’re ever indicted for a felony, just gimme a call because after seeing upwards of 250 trials, I know all the laws. All the important ones, anyway. And you wouldn’t believe how convincing I sound when I yell out “Objection Your Honor!”

I was watching an episode today and a Korean deli owner was shot. Once in the back, once in the head. Pretty brutal. His name was Sam Kim. Or Kim Sam. The writers were lazy about giving him a Korean sounding name. But I thought: I can totally get away with writing about Benjamin Bratt now!

Benjamin Bratt was on Law and Order in the mid nineties and boy was he a dreamboat. Just look at that bone structure! That glorious hair! The suits! If I knew he’d be the cop arresting me I’d commit all the crimes. Maybe even murder a Korean deli owner.

Well, no I wouldn’t. But you get it, right?